a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
