I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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