i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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