He disabled his match.com account in front of me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
