also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
