Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
