Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
