He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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