Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize