The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
