Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I AM VODKA MAN
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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