I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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