god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
