You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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