dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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