Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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