Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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