Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
