The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
