if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
