Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
