smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
