Umm I'm too high to move.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
