I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
