erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
