this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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