remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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