Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
