I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
