Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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