So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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