I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
