Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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