So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
