Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
