he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
