I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I love you. Go after that dick
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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