so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
