You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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