I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
