Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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