This is not my ceiling
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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