you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
