do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Drake has all the answers
Randomize