i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
