good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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