How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
