He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
