biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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