just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
