Already got asked if we're dating
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
