hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
