im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I want a musical about memes.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
