Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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