You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
