Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
