Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
