this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
