last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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