I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
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