I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
